The 20's Survival Guide

Why Is This App Making Me Feel Unlovable? (Navigating Dating Apps In Your 20's)

• Season 2 • Episode 54

Share episode

Send us a text

Are you frustrated with dating apps and just want to meet someone face-to-face? 

In this week's episode, we are diving into the burnout of swiping, ghosting, and why finding a genuine connection on dating apps is harder than ever.

Have you wondered whether dating apps are helping or actually hurting your chances of finding someone? This episode will reveal your answer and even includes some personal stories to comfort you too! 

If you've ever wondered whether real connection can exist beyond awkward prompts and tired pick up lines, this episode is for you! 

Enjoy!

Support the show

Speaker 1:

Welcome back to another episode of the 20s Survival Guide. This is your host, emily Astley. Today we're going to talk about something that I've mentioned on the podcast before, but I don't think we've really delved into it enough, and that is dating apps. Why dating apps are so difficult and how we've got to this place in society where they're so normalized but at the same time they feel so unnatural, and also how they're kind of warping our view of how we find someone, how we meet someone romantically, and why it's just making us all have a lot less hope on finding someone. Dating apps have got so big but also so exhausting, and I feel like I can't remember life before them. When you have several bad, when you have several bad matches, it just makes you really, really exhausted and it's like, oh my gosh, I have to put myself out there again. I'm gonna talk about this in depth, so, without further ado, let's get into the episode.

Speaker 1:

So I don't know about you, but when I go on dating apps and I've been on dating apps for a little while now I have collected so many red flags that I never thought I even had before I went on these dating apps. I don't know if I'm actually finding someone. I do know one thing, and that is I am accumulating my list of red flags, like I am swiping and I'm sure let's use hinge, for example, because I think it's just the most common one but I'm swiping and they're kind of like reels, where you just have a quick instant hit of dopamine, your quick hit of dopamine looking at someone and then you see someone's really cringy prompt. Let's not lie. It's really hard not to judge, because it's all well and good to be someone who doesn't judge others, but it's so easy to look at someone's prompt and be like, oh my god, that makes my skin crawl. I can't believe how disgusting that is. The amount of prompts I've seen of guys being like and maybe this is just I'm not a hater, but I'm brunette, so I'm biased but I've seen so many prompts from guys that just swipe up or match with me if you're blonde or something and I'm like what the hell? Clearly I'm bitter that I'm not blonde, but I just think I'm developing all these red flags and a lot of them aren't aren't really justified red flags, they're just petty red flags that I get from instant hits of not liking someone and also there's no real commitment because of this dopamine hit. You're just looking and swiping, and swiping, and swiping, and I will tend to just look at the first picture a lot of the time, I'm not gonna lie. And then I just swipe and I don't actually give an actual look at the whole profile because I've just got so used to swiping. That's really bad because firstly, you don't even get to explore someone and give them a proper chance, but also it's like are we even dating anymore? Am I even dating or am I just looking for a quick dopamine hit confession, confession time.

Speaker 1:

Sometimes, when I am feeling like a little lonely or feeling a little down, I will look on a dating app, not because I want to find someone, but purely just because I want to get a little bit of external validation, and that is so bad. But at the same time, it's fine and it's normal and we all sometimes might need a little boost of validation from something, and I think that a dating app has kind of replaced that rather than finding it in other ways. And yes, that's completely fine. But it's not actually dating with intention anymore. You don't really know who wants something long-term and who doesn't, and I think you can get a much better picture of that when you're actually meeting someone in person, when I have conversations with my friends and we're all like why does dating feel so empty? Why does dating feel so difficult at the moment? It's probably because we're all window shopping on dating apps and no one's actually looking for anything that has real commitment or a real direction on where it's and where it's going to go.

Speaker 1:

Here's another thing that I have to vent about. This is all to do with why dating apps just make you feel so much less worthy because you're finding a lot less success through it. I might be speaking for myself and you might actually have found the love of your life on a hinge. Another reason why dating apps, I think, just make you feel so have found the love of your life on a hinge. Another reason why dating apps, I think, just make you feel so empty I think is the right word is just the exhaustion of all of the small talk. So obviously you're gonna match with someone and you're gonna pop up or they're gonna pop up and let's hope they're not as boring as this, but maybe they're gonna say how was your weekend, how was your day, how's your week been? I don't even know. There's a terrible chat up line just because you really aren't in person, and it's hard to reply to something like that when it's so boring.

Speaker 1:

You don't really know someone, but it's small talk and every single time you match with someone and you give them a chance and you get to know them. You have to go through the small talk who you are, where you live, what you do you know, what you're interested in, what your hobbies are, what sports do you play and it's like a repeat of explaining who you are to like hundreds and hundreds of people or a couple people each time, and it's exhausting. You don't want to do the small talk when you're looking for something substantial. You want to get deeper than that and I think that it's really uncommon to get deep on dating apps unless, obviously, you give each other your number, you move off, you go on a date, but dating apps itself aren't that. They are just long and a lot of small talk, and I know that it sounds silly that you just have to send a message about something about yourself which you already know and it can't be that hard, but it's true. Small talk is exhausting and that's another demotivator as to why you just don't want to go on dating apps and you don't want to find someone because matching with them means explaining yourself again and it's really sad, but it just gets tiring. I think what I'm trying to say is it doesn't feel real and when you're trying to get to know someone, you want to have real conversations with meaning, you want to know if there's commitment, you want to see if this person is actually someone interesting, and when you keep having small talk, it's just not really substantial conversation. It's exhausting and it's just not really substantial conversation. It's exhausting and it's also like am I going to dish my life out to a stranger who I'm never going to meet or I'm never going to actually create a connection with? So that's another reason why dating apps have made you feel like a certain way about dating, which is just so toxic.

Speaker 1:

My third reason of this whole dating apps event is the argument between validation and vulnerability. Like are we actually looking for someone on dating apps or are we just chasing like a dopamine hit? Like I mentioned before, are we looking for someone to validate our selfies? Are we looking for someone who we can just text for a couple days as validation, rather than actually finding someone who you actually want to be with and, honestly, dating apps are made for both. They're not only for dating, because a lot of dating apps are just used for quick validation and that's nothing. There's nothing wrong with that. But it really complicates things because a lot of people are looking for something, and that is great, and a lot of people aren't, and they just want that quick validation.

Speaker 1:

So when you're matching with someone, it's like I don't know if this person actually wants something or if they want quick validation. And that's not just in girls, it's in guys too. It's like do you want a one-night stand with me? Do you want me or do you just want me for a day? It's so hard to tell. It's the whole argument of do you want to be loved or do you want to feel wanted? Like, do you go on the dating apps just to get that validation, which I mentioned I've done before or are you going on these dating apps because you want to be loved by someone? You want to love someone, you want to have a relationship with them, and the difference between those things is like, if you're vulnerable, if you want vulnerability, then that takes time and that's wanting the partner, and the other one can just leave you refreshing your messages, wondering why they haven't replied, and just wanting something that's quick and honestly, as I mentioned, there's absolutely nothing wrong with either of those things. But when you're on dating apps serious question are you on this app to find someone, or are you on this app because you just want a bit of validation that day? Why are you on that app today? Think about it, and either one is fine, but it's important to be self-aware.

Speaker 1:

Now, this next one is exhausting and I honestly hate it, but it's so true, and dating apps have really exacerbated this feeling and this problem that we have, and it's this fear of feeling like you're too much or feeling like you're not enough. So dating apps have made people feel like they are wondering if they are too much for a certain person or if they're not enough for someone, because you can't meet someone until you hand over your phone number and you actually get a date in the diary, but your first experience with this human being is literally over messages on a screen. So you really are trying to decipher whether you're too much for them, whether you're too little. That's a question that you should never be having to ask yourself, but it's become one, because it's really hard to gauge someone when it's just completely over screen and you've never met them. And when someone ghosts you and someone airs you and someone replies bluntly or just doesn't reply, you can start to wonder what have I done? Am I too much for them? That's a problem, because then we know that that's kind of linked to your self-worth. If you think you're too much for someone and you sort of give that thought a real platform in your head, then you link that to your self-worth and feel like maybe you should be changing the way you're approaching this, to be different and be less and shrink yourself or to try and be more bold and out there, but in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable and you just get into this whole thing of like second guessing every single message.

Speaker 1:

But the amount of times I have actually been on hinge sending a message to this person. Um, they're asking me something about myself and I type out the message. Then I call up my friend and I'm like, should I send this? Should I say that I like this? Like I do like it? But is it weird? Is it cringe? Are they gonna find me weird? Are they gonna find me too much? Are to find me a freak. And then you start second guessing yourself Is this prompt, funny enough? Do I look cute in this picture?

Speaker 1:

And another thing further down the line is is it embarrassing to say that you want something serious? You can start doubting yourself when you are having conversation with someone and be like I know I want something serious, but is it embarrassing for me to ask that? No, it should never be embarrassing, because you're on a dating app potentially to find someone, but it makes you feel like you're second guessing yourself. If you're too much because you want something serious, and that's just a problem because it means that we've got into a place in society or at least my experience of things when you actually want something with someone or you want a deep connection. I know that it scares a lot of people off, but you should never have to fear to ask for that or clearly state what you want with someone because you're worried that you're too much or you're too little, and that's a massive thing. And dating apps has made that so much worse. So I've found myself and my friends think should I be more funny? Should I edit this part of myself out? Should I be less honest? Should I I be more filtered.

Speaker 1:

You kind of start to edit yourself as a person into a box of someone who you think they want to be with, and it's really toxic because it's not who you actually are. That's just people pleasing. And then you go on the date and you start to fear oh my gosh, is this the same version of me as the one in person and can I show up as that person? Or have I behaved online as someone who is super polished and not really themselves? Because you just don't get that same exhaustion from meeting someone in person. And that's just my opinion. But I think that it's natural to kind of edit yourself and try and show the best version of yourself on this dating app with these matches, and a great thing to do is, if you really like someone on the app, move off of the app as soon as possible.

Speaker 1:

If you've had a couple conversations with them and you wanna go on a date with them, give them your number, put a date in the diary and go and meet them, because the longer you're on the app, the worse it's gonna be. That is my advice. Another reason the worse it's going to be. That is my advice. Another reason is the ick of realness. That sounds really weird, but what I mean is, when you meet this person in person, you meet them and you have had such a great conversation on hinge, let's say, and you are loving it and they're really good, they look gorgeous in their pictures and then you meet them in person and you're like, oh my god, that's not what they look like in person. That is not. They are so catfished. And then they're not funny and they're boring and they're not who you suspected.

Speaker 1:

When you're meeting someone in person, you don't really have that curated version of them in your minds, of what you think they're going to be like, because you've already met them. And the issue with dating apps is you have all this time to create this version of them in your heads, of what you think they're gonna be like, based on how you've had these conversations. Once you meet them in person and they show up as the real them, they're just not for you and it can give you the ick so fast because you've already created a version in your head of what they should be like and if they don't live up to that expectation, then you're automatically just feeling let down, or maybe you're not you to be, because you just were having a bad day or you guys just didn't gel. But the issue with why that makes it so much harder is because you get let down and you've got up all the courage to go on a date with a stranger and then, when it doesn't work out, you have to try and do it again with a new person and it's exhausting. It's exhausting when you don't have success. Why would I want to do that to myself when I can just stay at home and spend a night with my girls?

Speaker 1:

You have those awkward pauses with someone. You have those moments of eye contact. Maybe they're oversharing their life on the first date. Maybe they're telling you about their therapist trauma. Maybe they're telling you about their ex, who they just broke up with a couple months ago and they should never be telling you that. But they're telling you that because they're not properly healed. You never know what this person is going to say, but if they say stuff that ick you out, it's just icked, it's just done, and it's so hard to come back from that.

Speaker 1:

Also, dating apps are really good for the people who don't actually like conversation or who are really shy, because they can show up as someone and then, when you meet them in person. They might not be as talkative, but it's a lot easier for them to be talkative subtle rejection loop, and this is what dating apps can do for your self-worth. This is just the worst scenario. I'm not going to say that I haven't had good experiences on dating apps and I have, and a lot of the time. Dating apps can be really fun and they are great for putting you out of your comfort zone. At the end of the day, if you do want to find someone, you have to put yourself out there, because if you stay at home, you're never going to meet someone. You're never going to have that chance of meeting someone and making a connection with someone if you stay at home. So dating apps are great. The point is they can also lead to you getting a lot of rejection and finding a really uncomfortable self-worth loop from it, and this is how the worst, worst version possible of your experience on dating apps could be.

Speaker 1:

You can swipe and you don't get a match with someone. You can match with someone and you get absolutely no reply, and it's crickets and I mean that has happened to me so many times. You can talk to them. You'll talk to them on text, have a conversation and then all of a sudden they disappear halfway through a conversation and they don't have to go anywhere because it's on hinge. You go on a date and it goes absolutely nowhere and then repeat and repeat, and repeat and it's exhausting.

Speaker 1:

The main thing you have to remember is that it's not personal. But when you go through that constant cycle and that repeating cycle of what I've just mentioned, it starts to feel personal and it's hard not to look inwards and think what am I doing wrong? Why don't they want to text me? Why aren't these dates successful? Why haven't I found someone yet? And you start to think you're the problem.

Speaker 1:

It's so easy to feel and take it personally, but really, if you take a step back, it's not personal because, as I said throughout this whole episode, people use this app just for short, quick dopamine hits, quick validation for someone who they want to spend one night with, for someone who they just want to have a conversation with for a day, and they don't actually have any interest in you for the long term. And none of those reasons have anything to do with you and your personal appearance or your personality or your makeup or your self-worth. It is literally just part of the whole dating app scene, and then you can start to ask yourself am I pretty enough, am I funny enough, am I interesting enough? Am I too boring? And in reality, it's none of those things, I can assure you. It's just how the game works.

Speaker 1:

The one thing I want you to take away from this whole episode if you're only going to take away one thing from this episode I want you to know these dating apps aren't built for you to feel secure. They are built for you to keep swiping. The whole plan of this whole app is to get you to keep swiping, feel this certain way, and not to feel secure. Obviously, dating apps are meant for you to find someone, and that is probably the main goal, but they are also meant for you to keep swiping because they want you to keep engaging with the app. So just remember that this app isn't made for you to feel secure and find someone instantly find your prince charming.

Speaker 1:

If you really struggle and you're having a rut at the moment with dating, or you're on dating apps and you're hating them, just take a step back. Maybe you can organize a party with your friends where each friend brings one person that you don't know and they don't know, to the party and then you can meet tons of new people that you don't know in person. That's a great idea and I haven't done that yet, but I actually heard that idea from someone the other day and I thought it was amazing. You basically invite your close friendship circle lots of your friends and you tell them to invite one person, or two people at least, who you don't know and aren't in your immediate friendship group and then, if everyone does that, you have so many new people who are mingling, meeting so many new people, and you can find someone that way, which is so much easier and more authentic.

Speaker 1:

The moral of the story is, if you're feeling unloved by dating apps, if you're feeling really, really down or your self-worth is dented from this whole experience, just remember that you don't have to be on a dating app in order to find someone. You don't have to be on a dating app in order to find someone. You don't have to be a different person in order to find someone. You can be your absolute self and if they don't match with you, that's fine, because there's so many reasons why people are on the app and it's not just to find someone, but try your best to never make it feel personal. But no wonder why we're really struggling to date in this decade of our lives.

Speaker 1:

So I hope you guys enjoyed this episode. I am always here. If you want to talk about it more, if you like this topic and you want to hear more about dating apps and more about dating in general and how difficult it can be in your 20s, then DM me on Instagram at underscore the 20 survival guide or send me a message in the show notes if you liked it. I hope you guys have a great rest of your wednesday and I'll see you next week. Bye.

Podcasts we love

Check out these other fine podcasts recommended by us, not an algorithm.